6.6.06 Rainier Rogues match report

“Yo! Yo! Yo! This is Tim Westwood from Pimp Ma Ride UK here from da mean streets of Kensington introducing this week’s soccer report! Word up! It was the baddest of weeks with the Boys from Rainier doing everyone proud! UNDERSTAND THAT MAD GANSTAS! I might be forty five but I am not an embarrassment to society! Hear me now!

Let’s keep with the dirty dirty! My dad is calling me in. We Out – One! Tally ho sailors”

After the disappointment of last week and the fact that we had to sign some non Rainier personnel on loan, things were not looking good. We were playing really decent a team we got mauled by last week 6-0 and another team who unluckily lost to us. But like Mr Miyagi in the first (and  only proper) Karate Kid part one, Chris Lee and Steve Earl came from no-where to rub their warm energy (feet) on our weaknesses and bring with them fantastically strong robust performances that warmed the cockles of this boy’s heart. Sorry about the delay in the match report and the seriousness of it all – Some (uday the sod in particular) has accused me of taking this too seriously. Perhaps making teas with performance enhancing drugs was a bit extreme but the boys after a indignant week have deserved a good write up and I shall bestow it upon their nice heads. Each one gets a huzzah! From me for an overall fantastic teamperformance, easily our best all season

So Match one:

JLT 1 v Rainier Ltd 1

Overly confident after comfortably giving us a good seeing to, we started with fortunately a strong line up. Chris Lee in the net and Stevie E and Jane Grace played at the back, Tim and Paul on the wings. Things started off well, both individual teams having a share of chances and then it happened…A tame shot from the half way line deflecting wickedly from the foot of Tim who shouldn’t have instinctively tried to block the shot. The FA dubious goal panel have decided that it was an own goal but Tim is rather dubious of the dubious goal panel’s rather dubious decision but democracy have spoken…1-0 JLT, own goal Hoang.

Rainier played valiantly and were unlucky with a few chances – Tim and Paul Allen hitting a few shots that went agonising close. With Chris Lee keeping us in the game looking comfortable as the last wall in defence and the first point of attack, Tim fed in Paul Allen on the left wing and he smashed it past the keeper. 1-1. No one was more happier than Tim who embraced Paul Allen with a manly (though warm) hug. Nick Mayes came on and brought much stability at the back and the boys Kevin Lelland and Dan Crane did well when they arrived.

Man of the match:

Paul Allen:

Good goal and a decent partnership with Tim is growing. Paul’s goal was typical of his performance this season and has now leapt ahead of Tim in the Golden boots stakes. Great player, Paul Allen can be my wing man any day. And if Paul knows the next line to that he will get a cup of tea from me (and have his sexuality questioned – like I do daily).

Match 2

Rainier PR FC 3 – EMAP 0

Buoyed by their performance of the season against the league leaders, the Rainier PR boys were full of confidence going into the second game of the night. That confidence was well-placed as Kevin gave us an early lead with a quick turn and powerful strike past the EMAP keeper. Although technically a ringer, Kev is almost part of the Rainier PR family (a second cousin at least) having previously worked for Lighthouse and having had the dubious honour of being Chris Lee’s flatmate.

From then on, with Sam marshalling the defence like JT himself, it was one-way traffic, Tim hit the post, Steve hit the side netting, Paul tried to show off and dink it over the keeper, ignoring Tim who would have had an open goal should Paul have passed. And the previously dodgy EMAP goalie showed Paul Robinson-like (Spurs, not Neighbours) levels of ability when he pulled off at least TEN top class saves.

So, with just a one nil lead nerves were getting a little frayed but Chris pulled off a blinding save (the only one he needed to make all game), before a smartly taken free kick led to guest player Nick Mayes of CBR making the game safe. And just to put the icing on the cake, Kev made it three with the final kick of the game. Without the hapless publisher’s goalkeeper it would have been double figures, and after performances like these Rainier PR must fancy their chances of creeping into the promotion places next week.

Individual ratings with words only – because numbers are for simple people:

The three new guys

Nick Mayes:

Fantastic performance by the Computer Business Review journalist. Always reliable, solid, good goal and gave reassurance whenever he came on. if he worked at Rainier he would be a strong contender for player of the week.

Dan Crane:

Took time to settle but the second game Dan nibbled on the ankles of a tired EMAP like an annoying scamp. Applied constant pressure and always a threat to the opposing goal

Kevin Lelland:

Two fantastically taken goals showing why he is always appreciated whenever he plays. Sprayed the ball well and defended when needed.

Sam Grace:

A vocal Gracie was fantastic in both games. If it wasn’t for Stevie E’s running he would have got the man of the match for the second match. Defended and organised the back line like a young Gary Mabbutt. Growing in statue with each game.

Tim Hoang:

Solid if unremarkable game. Defended when needed to, hit the post and got close with another few shots from stupid positions. Most noticeable contribution from this handsome devil was purposely harassing the injured Mark Henry (google with WWF to see what he looks like) from EMAP with no remorse. Not quite happening yet though and hasn’t scored for two weeks. Still to bring his Thursday Old Street Old Boys game to the international arena but someone’s going to get it soon, hopefully when that little mouthy leprechaun from infernos is playing, the little sh*t. Partnership with PA is showing promise.

Paul Allen:

Another good goal and good performance. Disciplined when having to defend and played well up front harassing defenders with Tim, especially against JLT. Bravely took players on and always a threat whenever he had the ball.

Stevie E:

Like Sam Grace was very vocal at the back. Two cynical tackles put him down in my estimation as a good guy (Him and Sam are really evil – I have discussed this with Sam and have concluded that I’m a bit naughty all the time but they are either really good or will unleash a deadly virus on the world at some point. Sam agrees). Playing with the enthusiasm and excitement of a 12 year old boy who has just found some porn under an old disused bridge, Steve ran his socks off both games, got a few shots in and played a very disciplined defensive game. Man of the match for the second game and very nearly got player of the week for the whole week.

Which brings us the player of the week. More fanfare and build up than normal this week –Chris Lee deserves it for taking one for the team. After a really crap week for the whole team last week, Chris was desperate to play but with no real goalie Chris offered to play between the sticks for the two games. I have not seen such sacrifice since Pacey gave away his place in the team to the fat kid with the pucker shot in Mighty Ducks 2. Good saves and unlucky with a deflection, Chris gets a special reward today upon his arrival.

A fantastic team performance and things are really heating up. Let’s not get two arrogant we are not that good just have been lucky and this was probably our only real great week. A win against infernos next week and Accountants and we will need only for JLT to beat infernos in their last game to be promoted. I think all the players deserve a cup of tea from Lucy.

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