27.6.06 t’Rainier Rogues Match report

Sometimes there are times in life when the chips are down and you think to yourself: “how am I going to overcome this?” One time, which I just completely made up, I was in a really famous boyband then one of our members left to greater things and made lots of money and the rest of us were left to try make it on our own. Yesterday afternoon it felt like my new album, Open Road, had just flopped again – Kevin Lelland failed to show, as did Uday, and James couldn’t make it at the last minute and we were down to our bare bones of just Hoang, Jane Grace, Mr Lee, Paul Allen and Harry facing back to back games. Unfortunately we cannot walk around the squared circle chanting USA! USA! USA! with the crowd and their foam fingers or get thrown into an electric fence like Bennet in Commando in order to make things better. Sorry…here’s the match report.

Friendly match against last season’s premiership team don’t know their name but we spanked them 4-1. (Passmasters failed to show)

two early goals by Paul Allen shut the relegated team up after thinking they would have an easy game. We wanted to save ourselves for the proper game against accountants and we strolled through this game like the Fonz pulled girls. Heeey! Mr Allen bangs in two signature Allen goals. And Hoang banged in another two. They got a lucky goal when we considered taking the team off to warm up properly for the next game and for the whole game, the referee (who looked suspiciously like the taxi man who tried to steal the tv after the mercury event) was in goal for us. Unfortunately due to a strong challenge from Sloth from the Goonies Chris Lee suffered an injury and had to play in the net.

Match two:

Super Team Rainier PR 4 – 2 Accountants

A fantastic team performance against a completely different Accountants. Gone were the man mountains of jelly that didn’t realise they were playing football from two weeks ago replaced by Evil Measures and decent Asian guy who was a bit dirty and took things a bit seriously. Started brightly with a fantastic goal by Hoang taking on two players and with head down, run it and shot past the hapless keeper. The off the ball movement by walker and Allen were fantastic creating the space. The second goal again by Hoang taking the ball from behind the halfway line and stopping, picking his spot and curling it as sweet as Rupert’s mama into the bottom right hand corner. Crap celebration and still needs to work on it. they scored before Chris Lee scored a typical Allen goal down the left wing and smacked it as hard as he could with keeper having no chance. Rewarded with a double high five from Hoang. Evil Measures then scored a great volley before Allen, typically, received a pass from Hoang and banged the ball pass the keeper. I say a typical Allen goal but they are unstoppable and fantastic finishes. Was followed by a hug by Hoang which due to questions about Tim’s sexuality on Friday, again resulted in an awkward high five. He is not gay and if he hugged PA it would be a manly hug followed by a punch to the ribs and some beer.


Rupert Walker.
His last week before paying for the services of Thai ladyboys, Rupert showed the enthusiasm he does in every game. Ran tirelessly tackled constantly and even had a decent shots. Good show Harry!

Sam Grace.
Joan, as always, was solid. However, his Tesco brand Red Bull, ‘Kick’, failed to give him the Gummi Bear like energy he is used to and had to show discipline at the back. Complained that Hoang was lazy though. Git.

Paul Allen.
Paul Allen was Paul Allen. Fantastic commitment, some great shots and fine finishing. Felt frustrated against Accountants but tracked back well, another fantastic goal and always a threat. Feed the Macaw (it rhymes a bit with Paul) and he will score. The partnership with Hoang is blossoming. 3 goals.

Chris Lee.
Injured in the friendly, Rainier’s Mr Calm always put his all into every tackle resulting in a well taken goal and a strong performance in defence and goal. 1 goal.

Tim Hoang.
Best performance in a Rainier shirt from the gay handsome virgin Bradfordian. Four great goals and a disciplined performance in defence when Lee was out injured. Organised the defence well with Grace when Lee went in the net.


The lads did brilliantly and we are top of the league. Hooray!


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