This week, I have decided to do an introduction and a run down of individual players to show the boys how proud I am of how we played and what we went through. This will tell you nothing the match report won’t and should be read (if at all) as an appendix, an unnecessary addition like Johnny Shantel when he joined Hearsay or The New Karate Kid. Think of any sports film, from Rocky to Escape to Victory…this is the story (or the introduction to) a tale of woe, a tale of pain, excitement and euphoria, which we will tell our grandkiddies and they will tell theirs and hopefully it will be exaggerated along each telling of the tale.
With Chris Lee injured, Meas and Marks and Stevie E unavailable, Rupert diseased from all his ladyboy action, Steve and Wadds refusing to buy Juventus players on the cheap, we were left with PALLEN, Sam Grace, an ill Timbo (probably due to food poisoning again or playing too much XBOX naked) and an unreliable James Hughes worrying us by turning up late. We were down to four players and had back to back games in the heat of the sun. Tim spent much of the day trying to cough up phlegm just so he could breathe properly and wasn’t keen on playing, preferring to lose both games 1-0 by default rather than getting bummed five or 6 nil.
After PALLEN (if everyone keeps calling him this and he will get paranoid and one day introduce himself as PALLEN because it is quite similar to his name as opposed to smelly buttocks, which is just silly) chased away a fox at the start of the first match using the old watch and coat technique, Tim nearly coughed up his testicles after a small run in the corner. I am not going to go on about how great we were and how other teams were cheering the brave knights because Vickki will do that instead I have a graph showing my moods for the day:
We win 4-0 everyone loves us. Hairy wrestler shot is saved by James!
If I had a girlfriend maybe there would be more to my life than football
We still won a game and both were excellent performances
Often unreliable and lets us down at the last minute (or I only hear what I want to hear – either way it’s his fault) by not turning up, he turned in a fantastic performance despite wearing his figure hugging lycra jogging bottoms and Michael Jackson gloves. Some fantastic one handed saves in both games and always looked comfortable between the sticks of love and his distribution was excellent.
Fantastic tackling – he seemed to be everywhere, chomping at he heels of both teams constantly. Played a fantastic ball for Tim to smash a goal in and lead the line of defence excellently. A fine performance and never gave up: a tiger in the heart of the jungle of love, hate and sex – (i.e. football).
Five cracking goals with some superb finishing rounded off a great night for the handsome Bradfordian, especially the ZZ – like turn and smash with the left foot. After nearly dying in the first game Tim defended gallantly with Grace and PALLEN, although at one point in the second game having scored a goal did think to himself – I’ve done nothing apart from that.
PALLEN scored a typical PALLEN goal to give us the lead in the first game and put in the best all round performance over the two legs, attacking everything and defending heartedly down the left wing. Best game for the season for him (and probably all of us) and kept trying to win the game until the very end. Fantasticlicious and definitely got lots of man love from Tim afterwards.
Hey, we were amazing – brave, determined and disciplined. No one gets the man of the match this week – it sounds like a huge cop out but everyone deserved it this week and deservedly received a pint from Tim. James Hughes will keep it on his desk this week by default – you may not touch the trophy but stare in awe – because he hasn’t played many games and turned up with a fine performance, and he’s a lighthouser. Shamone!